Gentle
by TamaraJagellovsk
Summary: Spike opens up - and instantly regrets it. Lots of Hurt. Little Comfort. Angst!
1. Chapter 1

They'd missed the bed, again - to be fair they hadn't tried very hard – and now they were both panting. Naturally Spike got his breathing under control first; it was mere habit anyway. He turned to look at Buffy, waiting for her to make eye contact. When she finally did he gave her a small smile.

"How about you hold me for a little while?"

"Uh, I should get going..."

She was obviously trying to come up with an excuse she hadn't used a hundred times before but couldn't seem to think of one, so she just shrugged.

"Why'd you want that anyway? We never do that."

Spike clenched his teeth.

"I mean it doesn't really go with your image, does it? The big bad, bringing chaos and destruction to the world, and now you want to ***snuggle*** "? Come on!"

She chuckled - and he exploded, fists and fangs, more deadly than she'd ever seen him, and the laughter died on her lips as she had to defend herself in earnest.

"What" - she hit him hard - "is fucking" - another blow - " ***wrong*** with you?!"

He kicked and lashed out, and she needed every ounce of slayer strength and slayer training to get the upper hand. She realized he'd never fought her for real before, full out, no holding back. When she finally had him under control she stared at his face beneath her, bloody and already bruising.

"Fuck you, Spike. You're completely out of your mind."

He turned his head, avoiding her gaze.

"Hey. Evil undead. Look at me."

Every bit of fight left his body. He just surrendered, obidiently looking up at her. She rolled her hips, but it didn't get the reaction she'd expected. She stared at him in shock as a single tear rolled from the corner of his eye and down his temple.

"What's wrong?", she echoed her own words from before - but it was gentle this time. Concerned. He didn't answer.

"You really wanted me to hold you. You were being serious."

Another tear, still no word.

"Why?"

He looked away again, and this time she let him, waiting patiently for him to answer.

"Because I have no sodding idea what that feels like."

Buffy stared at him, speechless, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Oh my god. Nobody has ever been gentle with you!" she finally managed, her voice hoarse.

His reaction made Buffy wish she could take back the words and swallow them unspoken: He was coming apart right before her eyes. And there was nowhere to run for him, nowhere to hide, no way to cover the complete and utter vulnerability her realization had caused. He'd never been this naked, this defenseless in her company. He didn't even cry any more. He simply went still. No word, no look, he wasn't even breathing. Could vampires go into shock? Why had Giles never told her that?

She got up, and he turned, still on the ground, his back to her.

"I don't need your pity, slayer. I get that you want it rough. That's fine with me."

"No! No, Spike, that's ***not*** what I want!"

He got up as well and faced her.

"Since when? All of a sudden you don't get off on beating me bloody any longer? Find your clothes and get bent. Or leave them and walk home naked, I don't care. Just take yourself out of my crypt. And don't come running to me when you feel like a little rumble. I'm done with you, slayer. I'm done."


	2. Chapter 2

For momnesia - this is your fault :-)

~o0o~

 _"Oh my god. Nobody has ever been gentle with you!"_

Fuck. Damn her. Damn his own weakness. Damn the pathetic wimp William Pratt had been. Damn the pathetic wimp Spike still was. Damn the cruelty of the women - and men - he had fallen for who ***never***... Buffy had been right. ***No*** one had ever been gentle with him. The few occasions when his mother had been sweet with him were poisoned by her last moments. Cecily had never even touched him, no matter how much he'd longed for her caress. Dru had only been gentle when ***she*** needed that - and never with the sentiment she reserved for Angel. Angel - had always, ***ever*** only been cruel with him no matter how he had been craving his love and respect. Harmony. Might have liked to be tender, but at that point of his unlife he hadn't wanted that. Not from her anyway, the pain of losing Dru still raw and flaring. And Buffy - Buffy now held his heart, body and mind, his whole being - and she chose to use all of it to her liking and throw him away when she was disgusted enough. And after last night - he wouldn't even have ***that***.

Spike felt like he was truly at the end of his rope. He had to get away. It would rip his unbeating heart out, but he had to leave. Staying in Sunnydale, staying close to Buffy, where he was at her beck and call - would kill him. The realization was physically painful, and there was a lump in his throat all the time while he moved around his crypt to collect what little stuff he thought he'd need - but finally he was on his way. Dropped a note to Clem at Willie's saying he could have the crypt if he wanted - and left. Heart heavy, head hanging low and no clue where to go - but knowing ***anywhere*** would be better for him than here. Less painful at least.

~o0o~

 _"Since when? All of a sudden you don't get off on beating me bloody any longer? Find your clothes and get bent. Or leave them and walk home naked, I don't care. Just take yourself out of my crypt. And don't come running to me when you feel like a little rumble. I'm done with you, slayer. I'm done."_

What was his deal?! They'd always played it rough, from the first...five times in the abandoned house, and he'd never complained. And yes, she liked it rough, too. His strength and stamina were the reasons she kept coming back. The harder he fucked her, the more - right it felt. And the harder she hit him, the better it worked for her. And for him! She'd seen him! The glee. The laughter. He enjoyed it! And now all of a sudden he wanted to snuggle? How was she supposed to know he meant it?! Only, if she was honest with herself - which she rarely was these days - she ***had*** known he'd meant it. The look in his eyes had been entirely genuine - and she hadn't known how to handle it, so she'd shrugged the whole thing off. So. She'd been telling herself he liked being beaten around, that he got off on the pain and the humiliation - but what if he she had been wrong? If he just endured it - his vampire constitution maybe making it a little easier - because he knew it was the only kind of attention he'd get from her? What if he actually meant it when he said he was in love with her? She felt sick all of a sudden. What was it with him that brought out that brutal side of her, dark and cruel and frightening? She closed her eyes. She had to talk to him. Apologize, maybe. But - he'd made it very clear he didn't want her around, and she did have some pride after all!

About 24 hours later she was ready to swallow said pride. The dark, blank place inside of her was growing, and Spike was the only thing that helped with that. Besides, he'd probably cooled down by now - and he'd never said no to her. He'd get over it and they could have some fun. She drew a breath and pushed open the crypt door.

"Clem?"

"Slayer!"

"Uh, where's Spike?"

"He had to leave town for a while. Said I could crash here."

Huh? Spike never went anywhere! He always - never mind.

"What do you know?"

Clem shrugged.

"Willie said he looked like he'd been in a fight, so I guess he's on the run from the people who beat him up. I hope he'll be OK. Uh, do you think they might come here looking for him?"

Buffy looked away.

"Don't think so. You should be safe. Uh, I'll just get... patrolling then."

Clem nodded and got comfortable in Spike's armchair as soon as Buffy had closed the door. He sighed. Spike had always have a horrible taste in women. Clem had never gotten Dru, and that Harmony chick that Spike hardly talked about had obviously gone on his nerves most of the time. And now - the slayer. Personally he liked the slayer, but as far as girlfriends went probably not the wisest choice for a vamp.

~o0o~

Spike ran his hand through soft blond hair, looking into green eyes. The girl smiled at him.

"Why would a guy like you pay for sex?"

"Because my woman can't give me what I need."

"Huh, special interests then?"

"Maybe?"

She was trying to assess him.

"How much for the whole night?"

She raised her eyebrows.

"You up to that?"

~o0o~

Lisa almost felt bad for taking the guy's money. He'd been gentle, and generous, and there had been nothing pervert about his request:

 _Make love to me. And when we're done, wrap your arms around me and hold me until half an hour before sunrise._

She'd thought that was a strange way of measuring time, but hey. The customer is always right. So when it was time she woke him up with a gentle kiss, and for a moment, before he was fully awake, she could tell he didn't remember who he was with. He looked so peaceful and happy. What was wrong with that girlfriend or wife or whatever she was? Then he ***was*** fully awake, and the pained look in his eyes was back. He gave her a sad little smile and a chaste kiss and was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I used you and then pushed you away, and I said a lot of things I shouldn't have said, and you didn't deserve that."

Soft, gentle words spoken with true regret, whispered into blond hair.

All the things Spike longed to hear Buffy say - he whispered them to the girl he was currently holding to his chest, and he meant every single one of them. She melted against him.

"I know now how you must have felt when we were together, Harm. I found out first hand how painful it is – and you did not deserve that", he repeated.

She pulled away from him and looked into his eyes.

"Nobody deserves that, Spike. So whoever she is, I hope you don't allow her to keep treating you like shit. You're right, I didn't deserve the way you treated me – but you don't deserve it either."

~o0o~

He'd shown up on her doorstep, out of the blue, looking pained, and determined, and smoking hot. Even with his coat on Harmony could tell he was in the shape of his unlife, and she immediately wanted him. But. She'd learned her lesson. In fact it had taken about a dozen sessions with a therapist, but she'd finally realized Spike had never been good for her, and she would not fall back into her old patterns. Of course that had been easy to say with him out of her unlife. With him looking at her with those incredibly bright blue eyes and showing off those killer cheekbones – completely different story. She'd pulled herself together, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Spike?" (Lesson one. No pet names. She cringed at the memory of what she used to call him – and how much he'd probably hated that.)

He actually smiled at her. She couldn't remember if he'd ever smiled at her like that. Open. Genuine. Non manipulative. Huh.

"Hello Harmony."

They stood for a moment, and then she cleared her throat.

"What d'you want?"

He drew a breath and his shoulders sagged.

"I'm here to tell you I'm sorry."

She felt her eyebrows rise – and for a moment she could have sworn her heart beat. She swallowed and straightened and made a decision.

"Come in."

~o0o~

So there they were. Standing in her hall, talking. Really talking to each other for the first time, and Spike was all open and vulnerable and – stop it, Harm. No falling for the troubled hero! Not even if he was dashing...and needy. Oh Lord don't lead me into temptation. She took a step away from him, out of his arms, and he let her go. She smiled at him, and for the first time ever she didn't feel inferior.

"My therapist would say you did the right thing, took the first step. Don't let her walk all over you."

He looked lost, avoiding her eyes.

"But I love her", he breathed, and it broke her heart.

"Does she feel the same way?"

Harmony was sure she knew the answer to that, but she felt like he needed to say it out loud. She was shocked to see tears in his eyes.

"No", he whispered, "she doesn't. She won't stop telling me she doesn't. How I'm beneath her, and soulless, and a thing, and – convenient."

Great. Now Harmony felt tears come to her eyes, too.

"Oh Spike", she murmured, closing the distance again and pulling him into a tight embrace. She felt like ripping that bitch's throat out, whoever she was, and at the same time she wanted nothing more than to make him stop hurting. He drew a shuddering breath and wiped at his eyes.

"She's going through a rough time, and she needs me."

U-hu. Rationalizing his abuser's actions. Finding excuses. And talking himself into believing he could make a difference. That she would come around and see him, see his love and his devotion if only he endured her abuse patiently enough. She could see it all plain and clear. He obviously couldn't.

"You left, didn't you?"

He nodded.

"But I'll go back eventually. And she'll come to me again."

As if it was inevitable. As if they were drawn towards each other. Harmony tried to think of something she could do, something she could tell him that would make him realize he had a choice.

"You can stay here, if you want."

He looked at her, completely taken by surprise.

"For a little while, until you know what you want to do", she added softly.

"Harm...", he began, but then he didn't know what to say. He was lost, without direction. Harmony realized he wasn't used to being alone. Hell they'd probably only gotten together because he hadn't known how to be alone after a century with Dru. As much as she still wanted him – he needed to be on his own for a while. Find out who he was besides someone's lover. Harmony chuckled. Since when had she become the sensible type?

Spike seemed confused by the sound, looking at her with wide eyes. God how she wanted to kiss him right then...she shook it off.

"Look, I have places to be. There's blood in the fridge if you're hungry. Rest a little, get comfortable. You can stay as long as you want, OK?"

He nodded and started to smile.

"Thanks, Harm. It'll only be a little while. Just – catching myself."

She returned the smile and left her flat, desperately hoping he'd still be there by the time she'd be back. And that he wouldn't do anything stupid in the meantime. Well. Not like she kept any stakes around.

~o0o~

He was undead when she came home, and he looked almost relaxed, boots up on her coffee table, mug of blood in hand and the TV turned low. He probably hadn't paid much attention to it, just wanted something to keep him company. He took his feet off the table and stood when he noticed the bags she was balancing.

"I brought you a little food – still eating, are you?"

She'd never gotten his craving for human food, but she'd obviously remembered it. He took one of the bags from her and smiled as he caught the scent. Buffalo wings...good girl. And she'd brought beer! He put food and drink down on the coffee table and watched her store away what was a week's ration of blood – for two. All of a sudden he felt uncomfortable.

"Look, pet, you don't have to...", he gestured to the blood.

She turned to look at him over her shoulder.

"I just don't like going to the butcher shop every other day."

He gave her a small smile. He knew perfectly well what she was doing.

"Thanks, luv", he said softly, and she just nodded. Why on earth had he treated her that bad back then? He'd been constantly annoyed with her, but now he started to think that if he'd given her a fair chance, they could actually have been good together. He touched her shoulder blade with his fingertips, and she turned around. So close...she held his gaze for a moment, and then she shook her head with a small smile.

"I've paid someone a lot of money to help me get over you, Spike."

At his mock shocked face she started grinning.

"Therapist. Not escort."

They both burst out laughing, and Harmony realized they'd never done that together. She loved a good laugh, but she'd never seen Spike relax enough for that. Or maybe she just hadn't been funny enough...stop it, Harm. She noticed he was studying her, probably sensing the shift in her mood.

"You can stay until you feel better, but I won't let you into my bed, Spike. I still – you're dangerous. I won't -"

He took a step back and nodded.

"Got it. You're way stronger than you used to be, Harm. I like it. **And** you're way stronger than me."

Huh. There it was again – the pain in his eyes, the resignation.

"You wanna tell me who she is?"

The lost look got worse, almost like he was in physical pain.

"No. I'd rather not talk about it at all."

OK. That was the Spike she remembered. Closed off, shutting her out. Only now she didn't take it personally any more. Maybe he was right. Maybe she **was** stronger now.

Anyway. Plan B then. She held out her hand for his empty mug, and when he handed it over she refilled it, adding a generous amount of vodka.

"Sorry, don't have any bourbon", she said as she gave it back. He didn't seem to mind.


	4. Chapter 4

**Warning: this chapter might contain a higher dose of fluff than you are used to from me :-D**

 **And another warning: it's been brought to my attention that I may have entered** **the realm of M rated with this chapter due to - shall we call it a happy ending? Darn; too lazy to change the rating; be hereby warned ya all; sex stuff ahead ;-)**

 **beta'd by ebineez01 (highly necessary this time); thanks luv!**

After a lot of vodka and blood it had felt like a good idea. The next night Spike wasn't so sure about it anymore. He'd never talked to a shrink before, and this one had heard a lot about him. All bad, probably. He'd been surprised she'd agreed to see him at all. So here he was, talking to Harmony's therapist. He was incredibly tense, torn between wanting her help and brushing her off, and it took a few reminders that everything he said would be treated confidentially to make him relax enough to actually start to talk.

"So how did you part?"

He closed his eyes, reliving that horrible moment in his crypt.

"I basically told her to leave me alone."

"And did you mean that?"

"No! Well, at that moment - yes, but - no. I don't mean that. I love her."

"Then why did you say it?"

"Because I was mad."

She kept looking at him in that annoying fashion that he thought must come with the psychology degree. Like she knew he wasn't telling her the whole truth, and she let him know that she knew. Pff. Fine.

"And – embarrassed."

The look was still in place.

"And hurt, OK?! Damn it."

Now she was smiling at him. He wouldn't have been surprised if she'd said "Good boy" or something of the like. He blew out a breath. So what. It was true. It had hurt like hell, the way Buffy had laughed at him when he'd been that vulnerable. It still hurt.

"What are you going to do?"

"I've no soddin' idea."

OK. The Look again. But her voice was soft, friendly:

"What would you **like** to do?"

"I'd like to throw myself at her feet!"

"And why haven't you done that?"

"Because it's never gonna stop. She'll keep using me and throwing me away and it'll keep hurting like a bitch and I – I can't take it anymore."

"So something's got to change."

"Yeah." He sat up straight. "Something's gotta change."

~o0o~

Spike had been watching her for twenty minutes, all the way from the Doublemeat Palace to her house, and she still hadn't noticed him. That worried him even more than the way her shoulders sagged, and the fact that she never looked up, and how unbelievably heavy her feet seemed to be. He hadn't been sure if he wanted to talk to her, but now his heart broke for her, and he just had to check on her. Make sure she was just tired. When she sat down on the steps leading to her house he braced himself and stepped out of the shadows. She looked up, and for a horrible second he thought she was going to ignore him. But then she gave him the tiniest smile - and then she started to cry. He dropped to his knees and took her hands.

"You came back", she whispered. God the look in her eyes. Beyond tired. Hollow. Empty. Drained. Spike swallowed around the lump in his throat and nodded.

"Where else would I be, luv?"

She was shaking, and he realized she could barely keep it together.

"Tell me what you need."

She started sobbing in earnest.

"I'm sorry, Spike! Please just - can you please try to forget what I did to you and just - be there for me again? Can I please - I know you told me to stay away from you, but -"

"Shhh." He let go of her hands to brush the tears off her face.

"I'm here. I was mad, and I'm sorry I said that."

She sat straighter and tried to get the sobbing under control.

"No. You were right to say the things you said. I've been thinking... While you were gone, and I didn't know if you..."

She drew a shuddering breath.

"I owe you the biggest apology in the history of apologies, and if you can't accept it, I guess I can't blame you, but please -"

She was at a loss. She needed him, and she was scared to death he might tell her no. What if he'd been thinking too while he was away, what if he'd made a decision to protect himself... She realized he was still looking at her, a soft, gentle look that spoke volumes about how he felt about her. His smile widened a little, and then he leaned in for a sweet gentle kiss that made her tears flow anew, and she collapsed against his chest.

"God I missed you so much", she breathed as his arms went around her, pulling her closer, sheltering her.

While she allowed herself to relax into his embrace memory flooded her:

 _talking to Clem, thinking that Spike would be back in a day or so;_

 _trying to get a glimpse of him every time she was patrolling;_

 _going back to the crypt to see if Clem had any new information;_

 _realizing he was really gone - and might not come back;_

 _snapping at Dawn;_

 _losing patience with her friends over nothing;_

 _and finally, Willow suggesting she needed some stress relief. That conversation had gone something like..._

 _"Stress relief? What if my stress relief left town because I'm such a horrible person? What if he won't come back? What if-"_

 _She'd started crying at that point, refusing to voice the rest of the sentence. '- I've lost him?'_

 _Willow had looked at her wide eyed._

 _"What do you mean left town? Who -"_

 _And then the penny had dropped._

 _"Whoa, wait a minute. Are we - I mean I haven't seen **Spike** in a while! Are we talking about **Spike** here?"_

 _And Buffy had started talking about Spike and hadn't been able to stop and in the middle of it all she'd realized how much she needed him. How much she missed him. Not just the sex. His dry humor. The smirk. The way he fought. The way he could read people. And the way he looked at her. She'd realized how hurt he really must have been – enough to leave Sunnydale. That she was the reason he'd left, and that he might not come back. And she'd broken down. She'd realized she didn't know how to handle her life day after day without him._

Coming back to the present she whispered:

"I need you so much."

"I'm here", he said once more. "I love you, and I'll do anything you need. Just please - can you please try to see I'm not a thing? That I **am** able to love, and to hurt, and that my heart can break even if it doesn't beat?"

She pulled back to look at him.

"I'm so sorry, Spike", she said again. Then she straightened.

"I have to take a shower and change."

At his confused look she sighed.

"If I patrol smelling like this, every vamp within -"

She clasped her hand over her mouth.

"How aren't you sick to your stomach?"

He chuckled.

"I'll live."

Then he turned serious.

"You can't patrol, you're dead tired. Have you been sleeping at all?"

She just looked away.

"Tell you what. You get some rest. I patrol."

"I can't - you don't have to do that."

"It's fine, luv. Get some rest."

He could tell she was debating with herself. Then she let out a breath and bit her lip.

"Can you come back here when you're done?"

"Report? Sure, if you think that's necessary."

"No, I meant come back to **me**. Come to bed with me."

She hesitated.

"Someone mentioned snuggling."

She looked at him as if she was expecting him to explode again, but instead there was a tentative smile on his face. Insecure, not sure if she was being serious.

"Please?", she begged.

She wanted him in her room, in her bed. She'd never wanted that before, and it made his gut clench. Maybe - maybe she **had** started to see him. Maybe she could even - come to love him. He could tell she was trying. It was a start.

~o0o~

Buffy woke up when he came into her room even though he'd been as quiet as possible.

"Hey", he whispered and sat down on her bed.

"Hey, how'd it go?"

"Nothing unusual. Slow night. Go back to sleep, luv."

"Can't."

"Huh?"

"Need you here with me."

She turned onto her back and looked up at him.

" **Want** you here with me. Please."

He smiled, took off his boots and coat and slipped under the blanket. She curled up in his arms and fell asleep in an instant. Oh Lord. Here he was, with the woman he loved sleeping in his arms, in her bed. He'd have to be careful not to fall asleep himself or he might get trapped at the house. Just a few hours until sunrise.

When he felt dawn approach he got out of bed and put his boots on. One last look at the woman he loved peacefully sleeping in her comfy bed, and he was gone.

~o0o~

Buffy showed up at his crypt shortly after Clem had packed his stuff and left, assuring Spike that it was OK and that he was glad the vampire was back in town. They'd agreed on a poker game the night after, and Clem had casually mentioned he wouldn't mind Spike bringing Buffy along. Huh. Might actually be a good idea!

"Hey", she kissed him and he pulled her closer, not wanting the kiss to end.

"What's with the disappearing?"

"Daylight", he murmured and kissed her again. "Didn't wanna be caught."

She pulled away.

"Oh my god, I should have told you!"

"Told me what, luv?"

"They know! I told them."

"Who knows what?"

"Dawn, and my friends, they know. About - what we had. I told them! You don't have to sneak out of the house! That is - if..."

All of a sudden she was scared, unsure if he still wanted - what they had had. No, she **knew** he didn't want what they had had. He wanted **her** , all of her. He wanted - that train of thought was interrupted when he pulled her into a passionate kiss. His voice was hoarse when he said:

"I love you, slayer. God I love you so much."

She kissed him back and whispered against his lips:

"I'm so glad you came back."

~o0o~

God how he'd missed this. Buffy's sweet hot mouth on him, getting him hard in no time. He knew she'd let go any moment now, straddling him instead. Only she didn't, and he was getting dangerously close.

"Buffy, stop!", he moaned even though that was the last thing he wanted.

She stilled briefly but then claimed him again, and he just knew it would be over very, very soon.

"I won't last much longer", he growled through gritted teeth, "so if you expect me to be of any use to you..."

But she just kept teasing him, merciless and skilled.

"Buffy!"

His tone made her freeze. He pulled away from her, anger all over his face.

"So here we are again. You know I have a hard time resisting you, and still when I do tell you no you just ignore me. You ignore me even with your mouth wrapped around my cock. There is a person attached to this toy, you know?"

Buffy blanched.

"That's - that's not what I wanted! I wanted this to be for you! For you to let go."

"You never do that!"

"I know. It just occurred to me, too - it's always been foreplay, getting you ready. It's never been solely about you. I want to do this for **you**."

Spike relaxed and let out a low chuckle.

"I'm probably the first bloke in history who needs to be persuaded."

Buffy laughed and looked up at him through her lashes.

"So do I have permission to make you come?"

His head fell back and a low moan escaped him.

"Granted."


End file.
